September is Suicide Prevention Month. Did you know 1 in 20 U.S. adults have serious thoughts about suicide each year. Suicide is a topic most shy away from, as mental health is still a taboo subject. We need to talk about these topics and normalize speaking about subjects folks are too scared and/or embarrassed to talk about. Today I’m sharing an interview I hope will get people talking.
Every 11 minutes, 1 person in the U.S. dies by suicide.
Have you ever wondered what goes through the mind of someone contemplating suicide? Today’s interview is with a suicide attempt survivor. She’s sharing her unique perspective with us, and I’m extremely grateful to her.
Please read her story and share it. I truly believe her words can, and will, help many others.
MB: Thank you for joining MB (Mixed Blessings) today, and agreeing to be interviewed for Suicide Prevention Month. Please introduce yourself to our readers.
C: My name is Christina K.
MB: Christina, how old were you when you attempted suicide?
C: I had just turned 17.
MBB: What was going on at the time, that made you decide to end your life?
C: My family was living in a little town that was no bigger than a truck stop, 45 miles from the nearest city. As a result, it took a long time to get to school. On the school bus, I was being bullied. The kids were calling me a slut, and saying that I’d slept with a boy who’d lied and said I’d slept with him. At home, my mother was going through a deep depression, because we were out in the middle of nowhere and she had no friends. She was (unfortunately) using me as a sounding board for her depression, and wanted me to spend all my time with her – listening to her being upset. That’s a lot to put on a 17-year-old girl. I had a strained relationship with my mother, so spending all that time together, resulted in a lot of fighting. My mom lied a lot, so I never knew what the real truth was about things. I met an older guy that gave me a lot of attention, and he ended up being the first boy I slept with. He was nothing but a player, but I was head over heels for him. He encouraged me to run away from home and live with him. The boyfriend ended up being physically & mentally abusive. I was very scared living with him, but I thought if my parents weren’t coming for me – then they didn’t really want me at home. I felt all alone and this guy that I was living with was allowing me to drink from sun up to sundown, and I think that he was putting drugs in my beer. I felt very alone, at the time, and was becoming very depressed.
MB: Did you plan out your suicide attempt or was it something that just happened?
C: I initially was going to catch a ride with a truck driver coming through, and leave town, but I got scared and changed my plans. I felt I had no where to go, so l planned how I was going to get the gun and end my life.
MB: What method did you use to attempt to take your life?
C: I used a .44 magnum handgun.
MB: Take us back to that day: what were you thinking? How did you feel, physically, emotionally, spiritually? Walk us through everything you remember about that day.
C: I started drinking the minute I got up that morning, and I drank the entire day. The boyfriend that I was living with, also had a roommate who was much older, and he let the older guy abuse me as well. So I was getting very scared that I was going to get killed by the boyfriend, because he liked to choke me during sex. I was working in a little fast food place and that was the only time I was away from the boyfriend. Even at work, I was drinking and trying to figure out how to get away from the boyfriend. So my plan was to tell the boyfriend that someone tried to rape me. l thought the boyfriend would go try and find this guy and while he & his roommate were gone, l would run away. I was going to leave town with any truck driver who would give me a ride. I never even considered it to be dangerous, because I wasn’t thinking straight. l didn’t know where I would go or how I would find a place to live; I was just thinking my parents didn’t care about me and that the boyfriend was becoming too dangerous for me to stay.
But the boyfriend didn’t want me to stay alone at his house, so he made me go over to his friend’s house and stay there, while they looked for the guy I said raped me. Before his friend went with him to look for the guy, he showed me where he kept his gun, in case the guy I said hurt me came to the house. I became very scared that the boyfriend would find out l lied, and he would hurt me, bad. I sat there feeling all alone, thinking I had no way out but to kill myself.
The guy that lived there also had his daughter & granddaughter living with him, and his daughter was sitting in the living room with me.
When I finally decided to end my life, there was a moment of real peace, because I finally had control of my life again, by making the decision to die. I told the girl that I had to go to the bathroom, and I went straight into the bedroom and grabbed the gun. The girl walked into the bedroom to see what I was doing, and she was holding her baby in her arms. She said, “What are you doing?” and I pulled the trigger.
MB: Did you tell anyone (friends, family) that you were going to end your life?
C: I told no one that I was going to kill myself.
MB: Did you leave any notes behind for your family to find after your death?
C: I didn’t leave any note, because I didn’t feel like anyone would care that I was gone.
MB: When you discovered your suicide attempt had not worked, what were your initial feelings?
C: After I pulled the trigger, I remember the paramedic coming up to me, and she said “she’s trying to talk” and I was. I was trying to say “I want to live.”
MB: Did you suffer any permanent injuries from your attempt?
C: I was so drunk when I shot myself, I thought the gun was pointing at my head but actually it was pointed down on my neck . That’s what saved my life, along with the fact that the man’s gun had hollow point bullets. The bullet went down, hit a rib, and came out the back of my neck. I spent 9 months in the hospital, because I had a lot of complications with nerve damage and internal damage. My right arm & shoulder are completely paralyzed. The right side of my diaphragm is paralyzed. I had to learn how to walk again because of nerve damage, so my right foot is weaker.
MB: Is there anything someone could have said or done to prevent you from attempting to take your life?
C: If my parents would have tried to bring me home, l would have felt wanted. If I felt they forgave me for running away and sleeping with the boyfriend, I would have went home. But even if they had brought me home (without counseling for me, and my parents getting counseling) nothing would have changed. I still would have been deeply depressed and would have tried again to kill myself.
MB: Did you ever feel like ending your life again, after the first attempt failed?
C: Yes, I have tried 2 other times to kill myself.
MB: How old are you now, and do you regret trying to end your life?
C: I’m 55 years old. I am sorry for what I put my parents through, and I regret the pain I have caused my husband and my two children.
MB: Did your relationship with your family and friends change after your attempt? If so, how?
C: My relationship with my parents is good now, but that took many years of counseling. My husband has shared 35 years with me, through some very hard times, but we are finally happy now that I am stable.
MB: Did you go to counseling after your attempt? If so, did that help you? If you did not go to counseling, how did you get through the time after your attempt?
C: I have severe depression. I’ve had many years of counseling. I also take medications and underwent 6 years of electric convulsive therapy. I am now very stable, but I know that my depression can get bad again, if I am not careful. I must stay alert about how I feel, and inform my husband and doctors, if I feel like I’m becoming depressed again.
MB: What would you say to someone who wants to end their life?
C: If someone told me they wanted to die; I would tell them to not let your mind believe that’s the only way to stop your pain. And even though it’s hard right now, it will pass, you just have to reach out for help.
MB: What is your life like today?
C: Today I am living a peaceful life, and I enjoy spending my days with my husband and our animals. We have an RV, and we like to travel and visit family. I have two great adult children, and we have 5 grandchildren. I am very close to my sister and my father, and I do talk with my mother, but our relationship is distant.
MB: If you could go back in time, what would you say to your teen self about suicide?
C: If I could tell my teen self anything, it would be that you don’t have to die to stop the pain – you just have to keep talking and looking for help. Even though you hurt bad now, it won’t last. You just have to hold on and take it one day at a time, and if that’s too hard, just take it one hour at a time, until the darkness is over.
I know it took a long time for me to get where l am today, but it’s been worth the wait. I love life now and I love laughing and enjoying the simple things in life. My family told me they are proud of me for not giving up, and living life with my physical disabilities. I believe that you have to be able to laugh at life and its struggles. If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you don’t love yourself enough. I have physical challenges, but l don’t let it get me down, because then I will fall back into my depression. I know that I may have more struggles ahead, because I have started menopause and that can really work on your mental health. I have a great supportive family. And I’m able to talk honestly with my doctors about how I feel, so we will stay on top of my depression.
Thanks for being an advocate for speaking about healthy mental health.
MB: Christina, thank you SO much for sharing your story. I know it took a lot of courage to speak with us today. You have a unique perspective on this subject and I’m honored to write about it. Your story is going to touch SO many lives. Please know that your story matters and we are so grateful you decided to share it with us. We wish you many more happy and healthy years. Please take care of yourself. We appreciate you, and we will share your story. Thank you!
Help Is Available
If you or someone you know is struggling, help is here. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Know The Warning Signs
Let’s replace silence with support, stigma with understanding & fear with hope. Please share this post, one conversation can save a life!
