The past couple of weeks have been very difficult for me, I find myself getting depressed because of what my Mom is going through. I’m writing this for her, and for me, and for everyone touched by Dementia/Alzheimer’s.
Let me start by saying that my family is far from perfect. I found out a few years ago that I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family, though I really didn’t know it at the time. I knew my dad was different, I didn’t know he was capable of horrific acts. Once I found out he was, I cut off all contact with him, and in turn, my Mother. At the time, my Mom was already displaying signs & symptoms of Dementia. I did what I had to do, to protect my own mental health and for the safety of my children…Period.
A couple of weeks ago, I was informed that my Mom had fallen in her home & had been taken to the hospital. She did not break anything, but had to stay in the hospital for an entire week. I called the hospital, but was told they could not release any information to me (or anyone else), and that I would have to speak to my father if I wanted an update on her. I reluctantly agreed to speak to him.
He came to the phone and proceeded to tell me all about my Mom’s current condition- the things she does & says, and the things she no longer does or says. It became very apparent to me, that he was no longer able to provide the care she now needs. He also said something that stuck with me, it was after he told me they had recently celebrated their 49th wedding anniversary- not that my Mom was able to actually celebrate.
He said, “We always talked about taking a cruise to Alaska for our 50th, that’s not gonna happen now.” I thought that was such a sad statement.
Last weekend, my Mother was placed into a care facility for people with Dementia. What my father said has been on replay in my mind ever since.
How many of us put life on hold? You know, not wanting to wear that swimsuit because you haven’t lost those 10 pounds yet, or not taking that trip abroad because the kids are too young. Maybe you want to go back to school, but are putting it off until the children are in high school, whatever it is- why are you postponing LIFE?!
I’m guilty of it too, but a few weeks before my Mom was hospitalized, I made a decision to LIVE MY LIFE. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care what others think of me, my decisions, my beliefs, or the way I choose to live my life. This is MY life and I’m going to live it. God is the only one that can judge me, and as long as I’m living according to His plan, I’m good.
My mother loved going to parties and family gatherings, she was always ready for a fiesta! She adored her Grandchildren! She didn’t get out as much as she wanted to, but when she did, she had a good time. She can’t do any of that now. She will never go on that cruise to Alaska, the cruise she had looked forward to for years. I don’t want to live my life that way, not anymore.
I know my Mom would want me to squeeze as much life into my days as I can. And that’s what I intend to do, from here on out. She wouldn’t want me to be sad or down-she’d want me to experience everything life has to offer, all the things she will never be able to enjoy.
For the past few years, every time I’ve traveled or gone to an event I know she’d like- I’ve put on one of the rings she gave me, usually my sterling silver turquoise heart-shaped ring. It’s my way of bringing her with me. I know that might sound weird, but I don’t care- I do it to honor her.
I will be traveling back home soon to visit her. She no longer remembers who I am, but that’s ok- because I know who she is, and that’s all that matters.
I love you Mom!
