As I write this, my Mother is in ICU-sedated & on a ventilator. Last Tuesday we were notified that she’d been transferred from her Alzheimer’s care facility to the hospital, because of shortness of breath. Turns out she’d suffered a heart attack. To complicate matters even more, she’d also contracted a staph infection, which was poisoning her entire body. Her temp was 104, her blood pressure had plummeted. They put her on 3 different IV meds to raise her blood pressure-that’s the max allowed. She was sedated & put on a ventilator. I was told it was minute by minute & extremely critical.
I found the earliest flight out, and prayed I’d make it to Texas in time to say my goodbyes. What I saw when I walked into her room was surreal. Not only was she on the three IV’s to raise her blood pressure, but she was also on about 9 more- more IV’s than I’ve ever seen in my entire life … all for one person. IV bags on top of IV bags, big bags- little bags, multiple IV bottles, it was shocking, IV’s in her arm and neck.
I wasn’t sure if I was in the right room, my Mom didn’t look like herself, not like the mother I remembered. I got closer, and as I did, I could tell it was indeed her. That’s when the tears began to flow freely from my eyes. That tube down her throat – breathing for her – I think that was probably the hardest. Her color was very bad. I got close to her and just started silently praying. I touched her arm, it was warm. I brushed a few hairs off her forehead and tried to “comb” her hair the best I could with my fingers. At one point her eyelid twitched. I know she couldn’t hear anything I said, she is heavily sedated, totally knocked out. If she’d been awake, she still wouldn’t have heard or understood anything I said-because of the Alzheimer’s. She wouldn’t have known who I was either.
I stayed as long as I could, which wasn’t very long. I just couldn’t stand seeing her like that. I thought she would pass that first night-but she didn’t. I went back each day to visit her.
It’s six days later, and she’s still hanging on. She has actually shown some signs of improvement. Her blood pressure meds have been tapered back, her temp is staying down, they are even feeding her through a feeding tube … but I’m not sure how I feel about any of that.
You see, even if my Mom manages to beat this infection and recuperate from this heart attack- she still has Alzheimer’s. She will never get better, only worse. I know in my heart, she never wanted to ‘live’ like this. She has a DNR (do not resuscitate) order now- something she didn’t have before this ICU stay, so that is a small comfort.
I don’t know how much longer she will be here on this earth… Alzheimer’s truly is the long goodbye.
