It’s been three months since my Mom passed away. I knew she was sick, she had Alzheimer’s and other things wrong with her. I’m glad she is no longer suffering and unaware of what’s going on around her, God knows I am…but it still hurts. I thought I was prepared for this, but I wasn’t.
Can you ever truly be prepared to lose a loved one? I don’t think you can. My Mom started showing signs & symptoms of Alzheimer’s back in 2005- officially diagnosed in 2011. By 2011/2012, when I’d call her the conversation was very short. She’d ask how I was doing- how was the weather-how were the kids and hubby- then ask how I was doing again. That’s it- that was the extent of the conversation-then she’d hand the phone over to someone else. She no longer spoke of any current events-she was probably unaware of any. She didn’t ask about anything else, she’d tell me she loved me and that would be the end of our discussion.
Over the years, I thought I had come to terms with the fact that the Mom I knew was no longer here. Her body was here, but all the things that made her ‘her’ were gone. I thought accepting this fact meant that when the time came, I would be able to handle it gracefully. I was wrong.
I have my good days – on those days I don’t shed a tear. I also have my bad days, and many tears are shed on a bad day. I still can’t believe she’s really gone, and I know that’s perfectly normal. I just thought that since I knew she was sick, and her quality of life sucked, that when she passed it would be somewhat easy to deal with.
I’m able to talk about her a little more now, without breaking down. At least I can with some people-my Tia (Aunt) called me the other day & asked how I was doing… that’s all it took for the tears to start flowing. I can watch a commercial or see someone out with their elderly Mom and my eyes will instantly fill with tears.
I don’t know how long I will be like this- I know these things take time. I’ve never lost a parent before. I’m trying to be strong and carry on-like I know she’d want me to – but it still hurts.
I love you, Mom.
