December is halfway gone and this is my first blog post for the month. The holidays are difficult for me, since the loss of my Mom a couple of years ago. I’m finding it hard to get into the holiday spirit. Maybe some of you can relate.
Last Christmas was the first year (since my Mom passed in 2015), that the holidays really hit me hard. I’m not sure what changed from the prior year. I remember seeing Christmas displays in stores and thinking, “My Mom would like that” then my eyes would fill with tears.
My Mother loved Christmas. When we were little, she’d decorate the house and bake special desserts for us. She enjoyed shopping for “just the right gift” for family and friends.
When it came to Christmas decorations and lights, the more the merrier was her motto! She was a fan of all things sparkly. She loved sending out Christmas cards too!
Now that she’s no longer here, the holidays aren’t the same for me, which is kinda weird. You see, my Mom had Alzheimer’s for over a decade. She was no longer aware of the holidays. She didn’t go shopping or celebrate. I hadn’t celebrated Christmas with my Mom in quite a few years.
I was ok with the holidays while she was alive, even though she was no longer able to enjoy them. But now? It’s tough.
I break down and cry just thinking about her not being here to celebrate. I get sad if I see a commercial showing a family celebrating together. I’ve told my youngest that I’m feeling sad and missing my Mom. I told him I’m doing the best I can and just taking it one day at a time. I want him to know it’s ok to be down, because life isn’t always happy.
I’m not just sad, I’m angry. I feel cheated. My Mom was stolen from me. My children no longer have their Grandmother. They don’t get to create memories with her, the way I did with my grandparents.
I’m thankful my Mom is no longer suffering, Alzheimer’s is a cruel & disgusting disease. But I miss my Mother.
The holidays aren’t as happy as they once were. I’m not sure if they’ll ever be again. Enjoy your family, take pictures when you’re together, make memories. There will come a day when photos and memories are all you’ll have left.
