I couldn’t let this month go by without addressing Pregnancy & Infant Loss. I’ve talked about my own experiences with miscarriage before, you can read more here. I had a miscarriage very early on in my first pregnancy & I also suffered a miscarriage at 16 weeks gestation, back in 2005. For that miscarriage, I was induced and delivered my stillborn baby girl in the hospital.
I remember the days after the miscarriage, foggy as they may be. I recall recuperating at home & then returning to work some weeks later. Upon my return to work, it was business as usual for everyone … everyone but me. I was not greeted with flowers or sympathy cards-nothing. I imagine management thought that would be easiest on me- to just pretend that nothing had happened and to dive right back into work.
It wasn’t. After such a devastating loss, I really needed someone to acknowledge what I’d been through. I was grieving the loss of my baby, my whole world was crumbling around me. I remember being very angry, upset that no one seemed to care that the baby I was carrying inside me just a few weeks earlier was no longer alive. I ‘d lost my baby and no one said anything! My baby mattered, yet nobody wanted to talk about it.
I realize talking about miscarriage and the loss of a baby can be daunting- you may not know the “right” thing to say & certainly don’t want to say anything that will upset the Mom. I get that, but please say something! Acknowledge the loss. I’ve written 5 things that I would’ve liked to have heard after the loss of my baby girl.
What to say
1. “I’m so sorry.”
Those three little words would have meant the world to me. It would have let me know that the person saying them cared about me & what I was going through. That’s it, just say, “I’m so sorry.”
2. “It’s not your fault.”
Many times after a miscarriage, Mothers tend to blame themselves. Did they miss something, did they cause the miscarriage, did they do something wrong, could they have prevented it? It’s not your fault, Mom.
3. “Do you need anything?”
Ask the Mother if she needs anything. Maybe she hasn’t felt strong enough to go to the grocery store, or she’s not ready to face the lady at the dry cleaners yet- but needs to pick up a dress she dropped off before the miscarriage. What can you do to help that Mom?
4. “I’m here for you.”
Let Mom know you’re available. If she needs a shoulder to cry on or just wants someone to sit next to her in silence, be there for her. She needs you.
5. “Your baby mattered.”
I will forever miss the babies I lost. I think about them all the time, what would they look like, what would their interests be… all the time. My babies mattered, they may not have been here on this earth for very long-but they were here! They are part of my life and will never be forgotten. Let that Mom know her precious little one meant something to you.
I want to thank my friend, Chrissy, for visiting me in the hospital. I’d also like to thank Dr. Levinthal, for asking how I was doing upon my return to work- he was the only Doc who did. Lastly, Chuo and her family – for always taking such good care of me.
